I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
