the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
