My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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