I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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