The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
