When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The air taste purple.
Randomize
