Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
