walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
