I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
