her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
