Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
