they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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