Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
