i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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