fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
