sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
