I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm both gender and math confused
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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