Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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