I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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