he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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