We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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