I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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