you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
