I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
