I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
