yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
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A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
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She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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