No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
