Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
