I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
