I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
