i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
