i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
