she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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