i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is it because I queefed?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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