what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
did you just send me my own nude
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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