Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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