i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
