I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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