Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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