Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
