Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
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The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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