just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
