Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
