Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
