Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
