the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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