the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
