If that was your dad, he is hot
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I supernannyed him into submission
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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