Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos