I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.