I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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