I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach