If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
