8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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