i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
