My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My penis needs a shock collar
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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