Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
