my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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