I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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